Monday, April 1

The Story of Zombie Jesus and the Easter Bunny

Growing up in a Christian household, my brothers and I were no stranger to the whole story of Easter. You know, Jesus rising from the grave after being crucified and going back to heaven and all that. For the longest time we all blindly followed and believed what the pastor and our parents told us about the tale, not knowing the full truth.

Let me start from the beginning, being normal children we always loved the Easter Bunny. Hiding eggs, leaving little treats and candies. All around good times. Never once did we sit there and wonder, wait, how did we get from Jesus rising from the grave to a man sized rabbit hiding chocolate eggs around the house and yard?

Fast forward some years later and being a little more aware of this mystery, my brothers and I set out on a quest to find out the origin of the bunny. Surely Christians wouldn't let such a silly symbol represent one of the most important stories of their whole religion. The excuse of the rabbit being invented for marketing reasons by greeting card companies such as Santa for Christmas didn't seem to hold up under scrutiny either. For the most part we were coming up dry for answers and on the brink of giving up.

We had to go deeper.

After doing some further research we learned that for years in certain underground communities, instead of wishing a 'Happy Easter' they would wish a 'Happy Zombie Jesus Day'. Quite peculiar... When you put the elements of the Easter story together, the idea of Jesus being a zombie seemed to make sense. Jesus was dead and arose from the grave, much like a zombie. There were no stories however of him feasting on the brains of the living. That in itself seemed to debunk the tale of Zombie Jesus. When it then occurred to me.

"What if the reason there was no reports of him eating brains is because he was thwarted in his attempts?"

Now we were getting somewhere!

Upon reading some classified biblical documents leaked onto the internet, I learned that during his lifetime, Jesus was deathly afraid of rabbits. We're talking DEATHLY AFRAID, like Indiana Jones and snakes. I then learned that around the year of the crucifixion to keep themselves safe from unwanted spirits, the townsfolk placed bunnies around their houses. Unwanted spirits? Or Zombie Jesus? What if the townsfolk used his fear of bunnies to keep their brains safe? The eggs I'm guessing was sort of a marker letting any passers by know that the home was protected by the bunny.

That's the only logical explanation for the inexplicable appearance of the so called Easter Bunny. Every year we celebrate the true reason for the season without even knowing it. The humble rabbit, defender of mankind's brains.


YeamieWaffles said...

This post is brilliant man, especially whenever you really think about it and realise that Jesus truly was the first ever zombie. Great post mate and I hope that you have a seriously awesome Easter!

Betty said...

That was great! Scary thing is it makes sense too.

MRanthrope said...

If Jesus was a zombie...does that mean that Cranberries song "zombie" is really about Jesus? It's secretly a christian rock gospel jam?? FML the song and my identity will NEVER be the same now.

Hey Monkey Butt said...

Makes perfect sense to me.