Monday, March 18

10 Tips for Dating Zombie Guys

These days, the whole "Alternative" lover thing with girls has taken the world by storm. No longer will teenage females fall for just any ole' normal human being. You gotta be a Werewolf or Vampire or even a zombie for a girl to fall head over heels for ya. Yes you heard that right, girls are falling for ZOMBIES. Never thought I would say that.

Ever since the film Warm Bodies hit the silver screen the whole female population have been wetting their panties, not out of fear, but out of sheer lust for the sensation that is the sexy zombie. Looks like the humble walker is finally getting a little well deserved love.

If you are thinking of getting a rotting man for yourself you might want to read up on a few tips on handling his various quirks and whatnot that will come along with being undead and all.
  1. Allow for his limited reflexes. It may take some time for him to open doors for you while he staggers limply from one place to the next. Give your zombie love time to be a gentleman. I'm thinking maybe an hour or two.

  2. His taste in food will be extremely picky. There's no use in frying up some French snails or pickled onions and expecting him to rave about it. A piece of good steak or some lamb brains should be on the menu. Make it extra rare.

  3.  Don't run. Running might make him think you are prey and no one wants that. Probably best not to turn your back on him either.

  4. Start reading up. This is one man who is interested in you for your brains, not your body.

  5. Do not introduce your zombie love to your family too soon. Chances are they will freak out and that could put a real dampener on your new relationship. Wait and see if dating a zombie is really for you before you take that step.

  6. Keep your zombie boyfriend away from your pets. Dogs and cats could attack him and remember zombies have very vulnerable, rotting flesh. Chances are if Rover gets to him, there won't be much of Zach the Zombie left.

  7. Plan your date carefully. Meals and movies are fine but exertion is not good for a zombie and taking him to the beach in the hot sun will only make him rot faster. Be considerate of your zombie's needs.

  8. Having kids with him is very unlikely. You need to have realistic expectations if you are going to make this work and frankly if you don't wake up in the middle of the night to discover he is having a midnight snack with your brains as the meal, you're ahead of the curve.

  9. You have to decide what you are going to get out of this relationship. Zombies are not noted for their good looks or stimulating conversation. What's in it for you?

  10.  If all else fails, it might be time to find a gun.


Valerie said...

When will teenagers learn?!? I mean... It's all fun and games until some gets their flesh devoured...



YeamieWaffles said...

These are all hilarious but the one about the boyfriend loving you for your brains is my favourite, brilliant tips man haha, gave me a good laugh.