Saturday, December 15

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse for Juggalos

For Juggalos, the zombie apocalypse may be the ultimate dark carnival, and certainly not a time to clown around in your tormented clown looking outfit. This will be a time where split second judgment determines if you and the posse live or die— what will you do?

Zombies are now stalking the streets of Canada while some cannibal killed off a Miami homeless man by eating his nose, mouth and eyes. Police say 75 percent of his face was devoured by the suspect. Then there was 21-year-old Alexander Kinyua who devoured and ate the brain and heart of his college roommate. Stories like these have created wild panic, but they skirt the issue, which is the actuality of a zombie plague nearly wiping out every part of humanity we have.

Although CDC spokesman David Daigle proclaims “[the] CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” there are still a large number of theories that some project could result in a zombie-like state.

Preparation Tips | Teach for Juggalos

While your clown makeup may seem absurd to many functional members of current society, it can come in very handy if you're seeking to disguise yourself as one of the walking dead. You probably have a collection of superfluous weapons, purchased from local swap meets, maybe even a hatchet or two. It wouldn't hurt to take them off the dragon-claw wall mount and practice throwing them at trees to improve your aim. When the zombies strike, blowing blunt smoke in their direction isn't going to help you survive, so it's also a good idea to spend at least part of the day doing something physical, even if it's walking to the 7-Eleven for that party pop! In fact, you should probably start stock piling Faygo as used for trade later on when supplies are short.

Welcome to Zombies for a New Society

Though Juggalos have many unusual advantages in a zombie-ravaged society. Juggalo culture is already its own little built-in society that exists on the fringes of the rest of the world. Though Halloween has come and gone, people may try to imitate their style by trying to find Halloween costumes from Buy Costumes, but for Juggalos it's a lifestyle. While investment bankers, pediatricians and accountants are struggling to align themselves with a group of useful allies, Juggalos already have a posse ready to stand by their side and attack the enemy. Furthermore, as evidenced by the gathering of the Juggalos, you're very adept at traveling long distances in an organized fashion. This is a useful trait for speedy upheaval en masse, so long as you're able to be discreet.
In our new society, Juggalos very well may be the governing force that ends up ruling humanity. Money will no longer be the currency that separates valuable members of society from scourge, aggressive zombie killing will be! Finally, you won't need to live vicariously through Insane Clown Posse lyrics, as the action will be right in your backyard.


Pickleope said...

At first I was skeptical, but, with the Gathering training, you're right, Juggalos have an advantage. Although, the makeup and general appearance are a disadvantage. If a group of clown-faced, black-clad, Faygo drinkers start descending upon a group of "normies", they're getting taken out with prejudice before getting out a single "whoop whoop."

YeamieWaffles said...

A world where the Juggalos take advantage of all of the anarchy and become the rulers of our world is a bit of a scary one and that's coming from somebody who doesn't hold much hatred for the Juggalos at all, I think the subculture's pretty cool and do agree that they have several distinct advantages. Pickleope's comment made me laugh too, very true.

Hey Monkey Butt said...

"majik majik ninjas wuuut" Good to know, I'm already prepared with the face paint and hatchets. :)

Kc Hoskins said...

Would the juggalos migrate, finding eachother, eventualy making it to the home of the gathering?? SHANGRI-LA itsself... Can i get a whoop whoop. They have conditioned us threw the music. We all know what to do. And where we wanna end up. Shangri-la. Home.